It isn’t often that I feel the way I do now, maybe once or twice a year that it really sets in, and it surprises me every time how wanting I can be. I suppose it’s also a bit sad because a movie caused me to feel this way, but I don’t really think the movie had that much to do with it, it merely reminded me of a long lived fear of mediocrity.
I often assess my life and usually I can spin the results into something positive for me, perhaps a motivation to continue working, to not give up, but then there are times when I feel like my life now isn’t the life I wanted and I wonder how long I can remain happy in this life. Right about now is where I want to include something so my wife knows that this isn’t any reflection of her or our marriage, but I’m hoping that she understands.
For me, life is about more than having one good thing or two good things, because I know that if it were I would be happy as punch for having more than two things.
A part of me always searches for the areas in my life that I can improve upon, and while I understand some of the reasoning behind it, the rest still mystifies me. I know I like to be right all the time, and it goes one farther than your typical narcissism because I actually strive to be right by learning all I can before the judgment comes. For that I want to make my life as right as it can be given whatever circumstances I’m dealing with at the time. I’m not driven by religion or politics, but I do sincerely want to live without regrets, including missed opportunities to live my life to the fullest.
Another part is just me looking ahead to what I will eventually provide for my daughter, and what I see now to give isn’t good enough in my eyes. The other part, now that’s the tricky one and it always has been.
It’s been inside me since I was a teenager and I thought it was always that old saying ‘misery loves company’ but as I’ve grown more through the years and gained some experience to my knowledge, I no longer believe that to be the case. I still can’t pinpoint it, even speculation has a fair margin for error at this point, but I feel it and it’s rotting inside me, and all I can do to try to stop it is continue on to whatever life brings and hope that an answer sneaks it’s way in some where.
Tonight a clear perception of my future midlife crisis came to mind without provocation from me, and as usual the things that appear in my mind without my input grab my attention, and now I’m left wondering why I feel this way. I guess resorting back to a movie quote would be inline about now, so here is one that is especially telling right now.
“I never expected to be famous, I just didn’t expect to be so … ordinary.”
By the way, kudos to who ever can guess what actor said that and in what movie.