I must introduce to you the fiction to follow, for in your eyes it may seem effortlessly troubled. It was but a simple idea, to create such a monstrosity, but read and you shall see, the boy I once lost still lingers inside.

“I have many fantasies, of which the darkest entail a horrible series of perversions that are beyond the grasp of even feral minds and hearts alike, so to tell of the creations wouldn’t be prudent, only masochistic. Bare with me the urges set forth as herein lay truth of human instinct and barbaric behavior that our mothers teach of as danger and horror lying in wait. I shall not preclude the details, for they shine deep into my soul to reveal a monster of the ages; the hidden desires within are not to be toyed with, but rather to be explored and experienced without shame or fear or neglect of self. Please hasten your minds to follow along, for the water gets murky ahead, beware of this child’s song.

I’ve lived a dream so real that I could feel the blood splatter across my face, and taste the sweat from her brow. It awoke the demons inside me as she lay screaming and moaning to the rhythm of my heart pounding away, if only I could have harmonized my heart with my fists it would have been much quicker for her. No, rather I had to soften my blows to allow for her pain to be free, it was destined to be, you and me, but as I draw the blade from it’s sheath you become what’s left of her and provoke the anger welling up inside my heart.

You beg of me mercy yet you only receive fury, you pray for an end and receive a thousand beginnings, for all your wishes fall short of a helping hand, and in light of such empty hope you fall into the clutches of fear where I have laid your bed for you. Fall in peace and I will certainly drown in sorrow, but die in agony I ask of you, and my dreams will be set free. They will carry your pain to greater heights until you finally explode over your own selfish desire to feel as you do. Wait inside I tell you, it won’t be long; the rage is coming, but the mood is totally wrong.

If I could save you here I would not even try, for a betrayal such as yours must be dealt with swiftly to save from an endless wrath of hell and fury. Bury your head in my hands, I will not crush it, only I will mend it again and again until you are beautiful once again.

I will light the candles around you, and watch the heat envelope you. As the flames dance in your terror filled eyes I will praise the Gods for such a gift, and with a quiet voice I shall lull you to sleep, if only I could speak of the things in which you reap. So on to the show, it is time to get going, must I remind you of the tortures waiting below? Follow me my dear, it will only last a minute, after an eternity of pain, a quick death awaits you.”

Everything in life has a cycle right? Like the home electronics industry, you wouldn’t know it, but they already have the technology that will be introduced in ten years, but they hold on to it and lock it up with patents and such until a time comes when it will benefit them the most. I mean look at it from a business stand point, lets say you have products A through E that are already completely developed and ready to go. Each product starting with A gets better and better than the previous product, yet they are all the same thing, would you begin selling them each at one time? Heck no!

You would start selling product A first and after about six months you would release product B as a newer and better version of product A, and then several more months later you would release product C and so on and so forth, all the while still developing, testing, and refining products F through Z for future release. The reason is because as a consumer you would walk into a store and see product A, and as long as product B hasn’t been released yet, it is the best available product on the market, so an inflated price for the “new” technology would be justified because there is nothing better. Right?

However, if you found products A, B, and C all sitting pretty on the store shelves, you would have a choice in what you bought, and that choice is costly for the industry if it happens before they want it to. Take the first Playstation game console that came out in 1997, it was $300 the first two weeks it was out, right before Christmas mind you, but in the beginning of the next year there was a $50 drop in the price. The price was inflated because of the higher demand for the holidays, but as soon as the demand fell off a bit, the price went down to entice buyers to continue opening their wallets. That’s Economics 101 though, but what they don’t teach you is what they have locked away in a very secret and secure place.

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It isn’t often that I feel the way I do now, maybe once or twice a year that it really sets in, and it surprises me every time how wanting I can be. I suppose it’s also a bit sad because a movie caused me to feel this way, but I don’t really think the movie had that much to do with it, it merely reminded me of a long lived fear of mediocrity.

I often assess my life and usually I can spin the results into something positive for me, perhaps a motivation to continue working, to not give up, but then there are times when I feel like my life now isn’t the life I wanted and I wonder how long I can remain happy in this life. Right about now is where I want to include something so my wife knows that this isn’t any reflection of her or our marriage, but I’m hoping that she understands.

For me, life is about more than having one good thing or two good things, because I know that if it were I would be happy as punch for having more than two things.

A part of me always searches for the areas in my life that I can improve upon, and while I understand some of the reasoning behind it, the rest still mystifies me. I know I like to be right all the time, and it goes one farther than your typical narcissism because I actually strive to be right by learning all I can before the judgment comes. For that I want to make my life as right as it can be given whatever circumstances I’m dealing with at the time. I’m not driven by religion or politics, but I do sincerely want to live without regrets, including missed opportunities to live my life to the fullest.

Another part is just me looking ahead to what I will eventually provide for my daughter, and what I see now to give isn’t good enough in my eyes. The other part, now that’s the tricky one and it always has been.

It’s been inside me since I was a teenager and I thought it was always that old saying ‘misery loves company’ but as I’ve grown more through the years and gained some experience to my knowledge, I no longer believe that to be the case. I still can’t pinpoint it, even speculation has a fair margin for error at this point, but I feel it and it’s rotting inside me, and all I can do to try to stop it is continue on to whatever life brings and hope that an answer sneaks it’s way in some where.

Tonight a clear perception of my future midlife crisis came to mind without provocation from me, and as usual the things that appear in my mind without my input grab my attention, and now I’m left wondering why I feel this way. I guess resorting back to a movie quote would be inline about now, so here is one that is especially telling right now.

“I never expected to be famous, I just didn’t expect to be so … ordinary.”

By the way, kudos to who ever can guess what actor said that and in what movie.

My mind is racing as though a switch was flipped. I came home tonight energized and that stayed with me for an hour or so, then I settled down to watch an old movie I hadn’t seen in years, “Seven”, and as I watched my mind slowly calmed down and I was nearly asleep. It was very nice and very peaceful but something had to happen to change that, of course, and it was as simple a thing as going to the restroom.

That of course woke me up again, and as my energy levels rose my mind began it’s pacing once more. I can’t think of a single thing that had me going, rather a series of many things all at once. That is not unusual for me though, as I have always been able to think faster than I could act.

The amazing part to me is that I am thinking only of things that have to do with work, some how or another. From different things that happened today, some funny, some angering, and others just mundane and depressing.

Perhaps a good nights sleep is what I need, though I did manage to get one last night, I still felt tired through most of the day, besides at this point it would be hard to get a good night of sleep considering that I have to be up and at ‘em in about seven hours, maybe fate had something to do with TNT’s programming tonight, maybe.

I had a conversation today that led to a brief discussion of opinions, and that is not to say that it was an argument, but it was truly a discussion. More to the point it was about how one can separate the opinion from fact and their ability to judge based on the findings. I understand how vague that is, so luckily I plan to elaborate further so that I may get this off of my chest.

Society tells us that first impressions are important, that they lay the groundwork for all that follows, and that is certainly true regardless of the fact that it wouldn’t be as true without societies input. So when you meet someone new, let’s just say a co-worker, and while you don’t get many opportunities to speak with that person or get to know them at all, one part of your job requires a certain kind of interaction with that person. It’s very impersonal and the dialogue is restricted heavily, but you get a feel for that person despite such limited interaction.

Then let’s say that in the course of each of you performing your job, where you are the instructor and they are the instructed, you happen to uncover a very unprofessional character trait of the other person, would you or would you not form an opinion of that person based on that one incident? What if that one incident was only the second time you had spoken with them at all in any way?

Well that is what happened, and if you check one of my past blog entries on my MySpace account, you’ll find a detailed description of what happened. Today I found out that indeed that person has been promoted as a supervisor and will now be one of my direct supervisors. That is what started the conversation today and I expressed that I felt, at best, uncomfortable working under someone who has acted the way that person has. That in particular was a case of that individual making a mistake, followed by another and another, and then by yet another, which was followed by correction from me and a senior supervisor, that led to that person making their feelings very well known in a very confrontational way.
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“Broken my mind, broken like mine”

It has little real significance to some, but for me it holds a meaning of such value, such importance, that I cannot escape it. It really is just a line from a song, and not one heard by many coming from a low rate band, however, while it does not fit into the song so well, it does describe me perfectly and shortly.

I have recently rediscovered parts of me that I had long since forgotten, and it feels like I’m beginning to see things again like I once saw everything. I look around me and see what I have surrounded myself with and think; what can I do to get back that feeling that I miss so much. When I was younger I remember a time when everything was new and exciting to me, when I still looked forward to so many great things having only gotten a small taste of what there was.

Now I feel as though I have seen much of what I will have access to in my life, and while some of it still is left to be lived, and longed for, most has a common thread of monotony that I could much easier do without. Even I read this and hear the thoughts in my head and think that I should just shut up and move on already, but how can I abandon something that is so large and so overwhelming, if I could stop my mind from racing on the issue, I would if only to ease my own misery.
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I have something on my mind, something I would like to let go, but I cannot let this side of me show. It doesn’t burden me so much as it would those around me, especially the one who is a part of it all specifically. If I could release this monster into the world, it would only destroy everything in its path, so I must keep it under wraps, all to avoid its inevitable wrath.I have a constant shame and guilt over the issue, providing quite the struggle for my inner demons, yet by calling it constant I believe that it grows further into my reality of the sheep amidst the wolves. I try to squander my selfish fantasies into morality and law, yet my fetish runs deeper than any vein or bone in my body.

My torture is knowing the proximity of such delights, yet feeling the tight confinements of my life. If only the world were to suddenly change, if not simply the minds of all involved; I wonder how that could be arranged.

As of now I can taste what I have never tasted, and smell what I have never smelled, I can see what is clearly not visible, yet unbeknownst to them. As clear as day I can see, and my journeys have proven my visions are not just that of my imagination, but that of a perception that I cannot quite harness. I have given my best effort to do so, but the key I am missing, while the lock is just too tough.

Perhaps the enlightenment of some is just more than words can handle, while the ideas themselves are beyond reach; but I must persist to conform to what has taken over so much of my daily life, else I would whither and transform like the sand on a beach. If it is not meant to be then so be it, and if it is not meant to last then thank goodness, but if I am to wallow in my own desires forever, then take from me my heart, and give me any other.

I suppose I will leave this now, and return to my missing reality; try not to solve the mystery before you, rather leave alone the things you will never understand, for that may be the key to eternity, with which time is the test that eternity cannot stand.

To understand the predicament that I’m in would be to comprehend the delicacies of a cool evening wind. While I try to evolve my thinking to that of my of my problems, I must also realize that my problems are mine because of me. That is not to say that I caused the problems, so much as I am the centering force of the trouble.

As is clear to us all, or most of us all, we change the out come of anything we put our hands to, yet to blame an entire set of events on the person involved is just insane. I am what I am and that makes others what they are around me, yet it does not force their hand in any matter, nor does it shape their reactions; it only causes a reaction.

Now to me it’s perfectly normal for two personalities with so much in common to clash, but I expect to be able to find a middle ground, a place of meeting which conflicts the least amount possible with either set of goals. Perhaps I am a bit too optimistic about such things, but just maybe I am only trying to bring common sense into the picture. There is, after all, a much bigger picture to think about, yet the person who should be reminding me of that fact, is the one who seems to be losing sight of it all together.

Now as a defense, it has been said that the extra effort is based on my potential, yet wouldn’t that warrant even the smallest amount of praise at some point? I think it would, and while I do not ask for much, I do expect to receive at least half of what my peers get on a regular basis. The fact that I have to say that causes me great concern with regards to my near future, as I cannot continue to give it all I have when nothing is ever returned aside from grief and insult.

So as I ponder my day’s events and the thoughts given with such force, I feel as though my ventilation of frustration is not sufficient. My body is aching from stress, while my mind is racing, constantly creating new points of stress that will undoubtedly take it’s toll very soon.

What am I to do? Follow the age-old antic “don’t fix it until it’s broken”, or start searching for a solution that benefits me? Oh my, the “if’s” are but a moment away.

The fairness in my life is not a condition that has changed, nor is it likely to soon. Though I have been unhappy with things of late, I must try to look forward to something better, even as I stare into darkness.

It has been but a single day since I last spoke; yet it feels like many have passed inside my heart. This day that ends when I close my eyes has been full of difficulties that still do not unravel into clarity. Is it just I? Or am I meant to go on without knowing the answer? It is a formidable task to do so, as my life hangs in the balance of some not-so-great mystery that ultimately will cause great affect for myself and those I love.

The continuous rise and fall of the storms inside seem to make my head swirl, and only through anger am I able to deal with the atrocities that face me tomorrow. Perhaps that day will not produce the brunt of the trouble, but it will at best be another seed in the pot.

Like a collector of debt the idea that I have once again failed beckons for me to fall, but that failure I cannot indulge. Instead I must struggle on until the solution dawns, and remain hopeful that the benefits of strength are worth the costs of depression. In my past I have learned strength can only be disparaging, and that it is only a matter of what will collide with its force. I fear this time may induce a tragedy unlike any I have survived yet.

A mistake on my part is possible, however unexpected it will be, but in my nightmares I see problems in great numbers that cannot be solved with one word or day or person. So to be, I will forge ahead and make of this what I can. Seeking opportunities that carry the promise of amnesty, to restore the pride of my family.

“In sadness lies a light; it has many colors inside, but its one true identity must be found to recess the shadows surrounding it. If one is to become free of despair and turmoil, I must be the one to unearth an answer to awaken my spirit and fight. Return to them the keys for glory, and receive the map to riches, but return to them the riches and receive all the mighty rewards of peace, love, and eternal happiness.”

If only the preceding fiction were real, if only the mockery were to cease, if I could only if it all away.

To most it is just another figure, another sum to be reached, or problem to be solved, but to me it holds more value; to me it is the great twenty-three.

I rested with one who found it no steal, and I’ve watched upon another who saw in it a thrill. It is best to remain unbiased on such trivial things, for you never quite know what they might bring. Instead of passion or poison, perhaps it will love like winter, and hate like the fall.

The number in itself is nothing to be seen, and only worth having if it rests inside your being. It’s in the time of day, and dark of night, I hear it in each song, but never on any string. I can count it to the moon until I turn blue in the face, or I could just let simplicity fulfill all of my best.

For me everything started from here, it was no special day or minute or hour or month that made it this way, but as each of those passes I draw closer and closer to the next big day.

Will it come quietly? Or will it be enraged? It doesn’t matter at all if it’s meaning I cannot gauge. It intrigued me in fiction, but in reality it has no true value. The trick now is getting the pest out of the cogs, so those that believe in it’s voodoo, will have a sudden change of view.

I found a little monkey today, it told me stories and laughed and played and jumped all around, but amused I was not, for the tales of such creatures never have happy endings, they just fill you with emotion until you finally drown.

Now that truly is a picture worth a thousand words, but one thousand words I will not speak. Today found me in a state of elated joy that seemingly could not be broken, and not only could it be, or would it be; but it simply was and was to the point of agony. I wish I could unlearn what was taught today, it was not a classroom that brought the knowledge, nor was it a center of any particular kind. Instead it was a rumor that turned into truth, an opinion that then became fact, in truth it does not matter how it came or went, nor did it matter the color of it’s skin or sound of it’s voice. The honesty of it’s kind is familiar in it’s cold soul, and bigoted heart.

Today shown light on a subject I had fought to pass, even at the expense of my families very last. I cannot tell her of the stories in my mind, even as they bounce from wall to wall searching for a way out. The disappointment will not be so bold, but after the hours spent on it, I cannot come to rest with it.

Experience of one is not the experience of another, but some believe it is still a good measure to tell the difference in years as if it were the difference in mankind. Try as I might I cannot solve this mystery; no one idea or two or three will change what is not in me. To make the long story short, I will say but one thing, and only one, as it will need no interpretation or mediation.

Today someone picked up my book and saw only twenty-three pages, this was evidence enough of my lack of any skill to determine my future without any real cause, and while it has given some a sense of belief towards the best, it has shown me that nothing changes, no nothing is different than when my book had only ten plus three.

And of all people to judge me based solely on some arbitrary statistic, a lesbian woman she is, and black she was born. May the heavens open to her, if only long enough for me to receive just what I’ve earned.

It’s beginning to feel like a conclusion is nearing, but I can’t tell the time. A clock is easy to read, it’s got two hands; one longer than the other, and it only goes so far before starting over. There are no obstacles or changes, only a second at a time to prepare for the next move. If only life were so simple, a set of events that fit neatly into supreme categories, like minutes in the day. With no regard for moments passed, it keeps moving forward without a single glance to the rear, without a hesitation for the future, simply turning and moving and ticking away.

These thoughts I have are quite larger than myself and even with an ability to comprehend such lunacy as I tend to exhibit, I cannot gain a sense of familiarity or comfort in any form. I can only progress into the next idea, the next thought or feeling, the next day in a life that will uncertainly contain more than I can fill positively. Leaving so many openings for a catastrophe unsettles me as it would even the most secure of hearts. Avoidance is my only retreat though the memories of impossible dreams lay only a single mistake away.

Could I possibly contain the fears forever? If it were to be done then would I end peacefully or with sorrow? Perhaps my music is my peace; that the melodies surrounding me only exist to subdue the injustices that swallow every other minute. Or just maybe I am to be but a pawn in a game that has no rules or purpose, without rivals or game masters, it would make just as much sense to compare the world to a chess board as it does to continue seeking out my next source of misery.

Of course that is traditionally a pessimistic view that most believe will almost certainly bring the disasters I fear most. How can I accept that myself while knowing I am truly full of hope for a greater good to prevail? I cannot take lightly the conclusions of those who aim against me, nor do I feel it necessary to defend or protect myself from them. An honest answer says that even when such negativity is released, it must be taken into account the source and state of health concerning it. That is to say that the dreadful expectations and horrid theories that I speak and wonder of are only to be what I make of them.

It matters least what you make of me and mine, compared to what I make of myself, and the life I lead. It discounts all other accounts of perception that I encounter, and more specifically that encounter me. I choose my paths with every thought and action, and while I cannot describe many nor understand any, I know that I will persist to regain that sense of self that I lost long ago. The resistance of ignorance and bias will not restrain me and the boundaries of government will not contain me, for my greatest accomplishments come to me in my sleep, hidden and safe from the fires of earth.

Now it is essential to gain control, because only with that clarity of mind will I begin to attain the tools needed to travel the longest of roads. It is not for the sake of being at the helm, but for the ideas of solitude and contentment to coexist without the hindrance of any substitute that may impair my judgment or ability. I have my options tucked away for that rainy day when I will have to make my choice, and as for the time until that day, I will simply bide my time and put in the work, giving effort of such magnitudes that it will consume my energy and passion, it will drain me of original thought and controversy, without actually taking me any where.

That will be left for that one day, that single moment when my life will take a leap that cannot be undone, or erased. I truly wish there was another way, for these feelings of helplessness and uncertainty sour my stomach, and boil the blood flowing through my brain. The one condolence I can offer myself is that the challenge of choice will always be with me; that I will forever hold the key to unlock Pandora’s box and release into my air whatever I may choose. Above all else that I will retain the choice to change any day, any person, and any event, at my sole discretion settles me into tranquility.

The life I live is not the life I chose; instead it is the life I failed to choose.