Maybe my customs have changed though. I realize that my writing style hasn’t altered a great deal in the past two months but it just might be that I’m changing.

I feel different in almost everything I do. From the way I carry myself to how I love, I’m a new version of me. Well, in part. I still look at certain books and think to myself how I’d like to begin reading them but I never do. I still talk about religion and the importance of faith and the variances of faith across different religions, but I don’t follow through and commit to any one or another.

Money is still my most immediate and life threatening concern. I work and so does my girlfriend, who lives with me now, but ends have only met and are dangerously close to not meeting again. My most passionate concern is still Lauren and that’s taken a new turn. I can’t actually discuss it here because my ex-wife can see this site, but I will say that I’ve discovered some absolute truths of the situation Kaytie has put herself in that will ultimately harm her game. She’s been breaking the rules and doesn’t realize that I know exactly how and who with…

It’s funny to me when I speak about my need to conceal my knowledge on this blog because she could see it, more so that I think about your perception of me doing that so often. The unfortunate truth of my circumstances is that my opposition has been strategizing and conspiring for more than two years now to keep me from my daughter. It’s a torment I think about at the beginning of each new day and it is something I must adhere to – a game I must play – if I ever want to be with my baby again. Though there is a difference this time over others as I now have indisputable proof of what Kaytie has been up to and it directly violates several portions of the court order against her and I alike. I will say it at some point in time, but just not here, not until I’m ready for her to know what I found.

I think my biggest hindrance to writing here more is my inability to be at my computer when something comes up. Between my girlfriend and my sister I have had some very interesting thoughts and discussions regarding race, nationality, discrimination, and immigration that I would love to blog about. But alas, I refuse to stop a conversation to go blog about it, which is my ultimate failure as a blogger. HaHa. I’ll figure it out soon enough though.

Well I’m off to play taxi again, as I like to call it, and go pick up my girl from work. I’ll try to get back here tonight. Adios.

This is the reason for which you attribute me the word pride. I wish that it were true, for you mistake my sorrow as pride.

If I could stand between the lines and await my fate, I certainly would. I would equally fall as free as a bird or stain my entire world red. But this pain is mine, not yours. This pain belongs to me because I am deserving. I am the only one who can survive it.

This pain blinds you, as it does me, so you fail to see the truth behind the mystery.

I do not accept this miserable fate as a glutton or masochist, I accept this pain as a savior and a blessing. The action of moving on is not difficult, nor unappealing, it is simply not the evil that I want.

Colors all seem gray and love is more something said, but it wasn’t always this way. I am the ant atop the hill surrounded by the shadow of a magnifying glass. The heat grows the more I run, the fear builds as I cannot hide. More and more I’m lost in this word pride.

But to burn alive at the hands of the spiteful and misguided child is my burden to bare. It is my salvation and redemption, it is about the only thing for which I truly care.

That you cannot see doesn’t surprise me, only that you speak to condemn me.

I could end it all tonight. But this pain is mine, not yours. This pain belongs to me because I am deserving. I am the only one who can survive it. You are not me and I am not you, but you are not you and I am not free.

It is all I can do, all I can ever be, I must save her this pain, I must save her.

Alone I am free, but together I am your pain. This I will not be.

the magic in you

Colors never seemed so grey

Not until that day

My whole world in your hands

In your hands I melt away

The colors of magic in you

That magic in you …

I feel it coming down
I feel it all around
It’s not like I can go away
Not like I can forget the sound
But it penetrates me most
When I finally find some hope
When I take a look inside
And I find a reason why

I can’t seem to outlive it, my past, my self, these little fits
I’m amazed I ever made it this far
Filled with hate, my bitter scars, petulance flees my sour heart
It’s almost like I buried you, afraid I don’t know where to start

I feel it coming down
I feel it all around
It’s not like I can go away
Not like I can forget the sound
But it penetrates me most
When I finally find some hope
When I take a look inside
And I find a reason why

But then you say the hardest part, words that pierce right through my heart
Where you at, don’t leave me here, why aren’t you here
I fall away like I’ve lost it all, my tears run down my face
I feel it coming down, but I’m lost in the crowd

I feel it coming down
I feel it all around
It’s not like I can go away
Not like I can forget the sound
But it penetrates me most
When I finally find some hope
When I take a look inside
And I find a reason why

I feel it coming down
I feel it all around
I feel it coming down
I feel you all around

I feel it coming down
I feel it all around
It’s not like I can go away
Not like I can forget the sound
But it penetrates me most
When I finally find some hope
When I take a look inside
And I find a reason why

I feel you all around, I’m lost in the clouds, I feel you all around, I can feel you

Colors in the sky I see, a failure that burdens me
It’s almost like an addiction, so much like an affliction
Troubles come and problems go, I feel it when the wind blows
But I don’t hang my head low, I just keep reaching out for you
Beautiful and miserable, the melodic sound of agony
Crazy days in this chaotic world, it almost gets the best of me

And I almost gave up, almost let you down
I play this here song, trying to turn this thing around
And it all makes some sense, even if I don’t want it to
All because of you, I know just what I have to do
This disease is killing me, But I’ve got to carry you … for tomorrow

It’s all mixed up, kicking down these doors
A stranger inside of me, the mirror tells all my lies
I nearly picked it up, I could have set it back down
It follows me through my days, I’m afraid to turn around

And I almost gave up, almost let you down
I play this here song, trying to turn this thing around
And it all makes some sense, even if I don’t want it to
All because of you, I know just what I have to do
This disease is killing me, But I’ve got to carry you … for tomorrow

The more I see the more I cry, try to hide that I’m terrified
And it all seems to go away, leaving me empty inside
Go away I want it to, but I don’t want to miss a thing
There’s a game in this I try to fight, but you are my everything

And I almost gave up, almost let you down
I play this here song, trying to turn this thing around
And it all makes some sense, even if I don’t want it to
All because of you, I know just what I have to do
This disease is killing me, But I’ve got to carry you … for tomorrow