I don’t really wanna do anything – lethargy is sinking in. I’m not happy about it. It’s this time of year, and work, and bills, and sickness and health; it’s all weighing too heavily on me. I’m doing my best to stay upbeat and positive for my girlfriend’s sake. The time of year doesn’t bother her but the rest does, and it’s her health that worries me anyway. She got some test results back that strongly suggest she either has now – or will have soon – cancer. Not to mention the mammogram she has to go get done.

It’s a lot to take. I’m just trying to be there for her. I’m trying to protect her from herself. She’s a lot like I am, she worries and stresses. There’s just not enough information to get really panicked over yet.

But it’s Tuesday and I haven’t gotten anything done. I only have two things to do now which leads me to believe that maybe I’m not being used anymore. There was an issue a couple of weeks ago in which I demanded some financial professionalism to the dismay of those who made mistakes and failed to remain professional. It was resolved to a great end but I fear a certain low-level someone might not be as accepting of my willingness to call the bullshit as her employer.

“I’m not used to anyone being as … direct with me as you are.”

Maybe those words are still ringing in her head. I’ve tried to back off but it’s difficult to do that with certain types of people. She’s stressed and has a lot of work on her plate each day, but checks and calls shouldn’t be a problem for her. In reality they’re both the lifelines of her job. Then again, she freely admits that she only devotes two hours of each day to maintenance calls and techs. Her and the rest of them up there all fail to understand that the two people I replaced rejected them because of their collective inability to remain professional and focused. I wish they’d let me come into the office and help out. I could have the maintenance side of things turned around in two weeks.

And that’s not to say that they can’t do the same, but for some reason they continually don’t. I fear it’s a work overload and it didn’t get any better with someone being fired a few weeks ago. I really don’t know what the problem is, I just know how anal and controlled I am and that those qualities would prevent me from falling into whatever hole is housing them at the moment.

I know what she means by saying that I’m direct with her. I tell everything like it is and with very little fluff. I am wordy at times and my emails show it, of course. But I take care of my business. I know the answers to questions she has for me but she makes it impossible for me to tell her the truth, so I have to lie and twist and withhold to keep things going. I don’t have the money to pay my rent this week. I have two calls pending and can’t schedule one while the other requires more materials than I can afford right now.

I have bills to pay too, but that doesn’t seem to sink in. I don’t know what to do. Obviously a part-time job would make a huge difference, and I’m going to start trying to find one today but it won’t be easy. I’ve indulged in far too much “wacky tobacky” lately.

Meanwhile I don’t know if my girl even realizes yet the mess I’m in. I hope it’s a mess we’re in but being the stubborn glutton for punishment that I am, even when I can’t handle it, I say it’s my mess. I’m not ready for all of this to fall apart. But I know the drill – it’s been the same for 12 years now, sometimes the calls just dry up for a bit. If I had something on the side it would help me when the time comes to get back into the swing of things. So that’s what I have to work on. I just have to trust they all have the integrity to tell me when something is wrong like I do them. I’m all about making things work the way best suited for all involved, until certain lines are crossed. So far there haven’t been any lines crossed but I also don’t actually know what the lack of calls is stemming from.

That’s my worrying side…